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Doomsday 2012: A Playlist To Die For

There are only ten days left before this Earth is turned into a blasted hellscape. What makes this day extra special is it’s my birthday. Yes, December 21st, 2012 is everyone’s last chance to breathe their last breath as I blow out the candles on my cake and a planet or asteroid spirals into Earth. It’s lights out! Poof! Absolute silence! It’s a cataclysm foreseen by the wise Sumerians almost 4,000 years ago. These guys can’t be wrong.

History has shown us time and time again that prophecies never come true because, well, they’re predictions… but that doesn’t stop The Weather Network from projecting the wrong forecast day in and day out. One of these days someone is going to predict right and we need a soundtrack to help guide us through it.

Tis the season to dawn my DJing cowl to bring you a track-filled, apocalyptic advent calendar of sorts. Some choices are obvious, others, well they’re as unpredictable as life is, or soon to be “was”.

So without further ado, I bring you the playlist to end all playlists. The sounds before the deafening silence. The final concert before the Stairway to Heaven. I bring you Doomsday 2012’s “A Playlist to Die for”.

#10) Europe – The Final Countdown

“It’s the final countdown. The final countdown. Oh…oh. The final countdown. Something about Venus and whether they’ve seen us…”

Do I really need to explain this one? Gob Bluth performing magic with a knife in his mouth as we’re blasted into space dust would be a little taste of Heaven right before we arrive at the pearly gates. The song is intense, dramatic and is a theme for 80’s hair metal the world over. When it’s all said and done, the Final Countdown is about bloody space travel, not some world ending event. I can read between the lines though and I can see that it’s actually about impeding doom! It’s a shame because that very same countdown they’re singing about leads to the moment where it’s erased from music existence in our own timeline. It’s kind of poetic really. Of course, if they blasted a copy of their one-hit wonder to Venus for some Venusians to one day discover they could live on forever. That would be quite the legacy…

#9) Sound Garden – Black Hole Sun

“Hang my head, Drown my fear, Till you all just disappear.”

Nobody knows how this is all going down. Will the Four Horsemen tear us asunder or is Superman going to punch Earth into oblivion? What if a sun, characterized as being black with an easily identifiable hole in it, appeared like an eclipse over our planet and did some sort of unspeakably “good/evil” act like swallowing Earth’s life whole? I doubt that’s what this song is about, but dammit, no other drugged out explanation is going to beat it. It’s just a harmless hunch that the sun might be involved in doomsday is all. Take it or leave. You only have a few days left to mull it over anyway.

#8) Nine Inch Nails – The Day The Whole World Went Away

“The sweetest price he’ll have to pay, The day the whole world went away.”

I can’t describe it any better than the title of Trent Reznor’s “The Day The Whole World Went Away”. It’s too bad such a great artist has to suffer the same fate as the rest of the fodder. The song represents anticipation and the ensuing chaos that follows – the calm before the firestorm, if you will. The song gives me hope that we might still live on in hollowed out wreckage’s, scavenging for food on parched earth and stealing gas from enemy encampments while wearing tires and bondage gear. Those would be good times… or would they?

#7) The Smashing Pumpkins – The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning

“And now the kingdom comes, Crashing down undone.”

What the hell kind of song name is that? Who cares! Billy Corgan and the Harbingers foretold this day, but nobody listened. Why, you ask? Well, they released the track on the Batman and Robin soundtrack back in the day for one. That film deserves to go along with us. The song itself, however, is very haunting and manages to make it onto my list of best “end time” tracks. Even originally hearing it as a child (while seeing Batman and Robin, of course), I knew it was something special. I made note of it and filed it away for the perfect time. Turns out we’re running out of it and now happens to be perfect. Win-win? I think so.

#6) Johnny Cash – When The Man Comes Around

“His name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.”

Listen to the song. You know who he’s talking about, don’t you? Listen until you figure it out. Hell, listen to the end and he straight up tells you.  See what I’m talking about? Who symbolizes the apocalypse more than Death himself? Who better than The Man In Black to strum a tune for the Reaper Man? I submit nobody! Death will be a busy being come the 21st. At the very least, do your best to look nice for him when he comes and greet him with a smile if it’s still possible. “Don’t think of it as dying. Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.”

#5) Prince – 1999

“Life is just a party and parties aren’t meant to last.”

The artist formally known as Prince, life formally known as humanity. See the comparisons here? 1999 was one heck of year. I barely remember it actually, but Prince and The Revolution partied harder than life should allow back in 1982. The message here is simple. This is your last night alive, so do whatever strikes your fancy. Nobody will be around tomorrow to judge. If only we could all go out in style like Prince’s velvety wardrobe…

#4) Megadeth – Symphony of Destruction

“The earth starts to rumble, World powers fall, A’warring for the heavens, A peaceful man stands tall.”

Megadeth might be on to something – we as a whole might bring about our own swift destruction. One man dares to dream, but condemns us all. We’ve ravaged the earth like there’s no tomorrow (pun!) and it might come back to rip us to shreds. So very few of us control the vast majority of what’s happening on the planet. People are often greedy and make mistakes. All it takes is a flick of the switch and a massive chunk of humanity will turn to ash. Could we have prevented this from happening – is there still time? *shrugs* Sometimes life is tough and it’s our job to sway to the “Symphony of Destruction”. /depressing

#3) Weird Al – Christmas At Ground Zero

“It’s the end of all humanity, No more time for last-minute shopping, It’s time to face your final destiny.”

Admit it, you weren’t expecting this one. Weird Al might have parodied some of the best top 40 songs in the last three and a half decades, but he’s also written some hilariously original material as well. I think most of us can agree that “Christmas At Ground Zero” could be the anthem for spending the holidays with your family. What family doesn’t have a little dysfunction, especially during a holiday filled with stress and greed. I think my grandfather is one cranberry away from taking the carving knife to his own wife for crying out loud. All someone would need to do is pour a heavy dose of psychotropic drugs into our water supply and holiday jeer will do the rest. Wait, didn’t Scarekrow already try that in Batman Begins? Well, that ends that idea.

#2) Carl Orff – Carmina Burana (O Fortuna)

“Because through luck she lays low the brave, all join with me in lamentation.” – Translated

Everyone knows it’s going down when this song is playing. You might not know what’s happening, but your instincts are telling you to get the hell out of there. It could be a flood, an active volcano or a bundle of logs rolling off a flatbed on the highway in slow motion. It’s. Going. Down! Nothing good comes with this song. You could see unicorns prancing in a rainbow-filled meadow while this song was playing and your brain would immediately shutdown from the paradox. It’s not meant to be. Whatever may come on the 21st, this song will be ripping through the air seemingly from nowhere. Perhaps God will take pity and put it on for us as ships hit the fan. EXPLOSION!

#1) John Murphy – Sunshine

And then tomorrow came… The Mayan calendar wasn’t written beyond December 21st and it’s not really over – we get to live. A new day dawns! Yippie! I will never look at December 22nd the same again. Each day will be beautiful and full of… things that are fun, like work and commuting! Yeah! I always hated driving in blizzards, but not anymore! Nope. Nothing’s going to bring me down. That underground bunker I built in the backyard will go to waste though, but maybe I can post it on Kijiji. Spread the word, there’s a bunker for sale and I’ve got it! Free to a good home – will trade for kittens.

 Check out Lucas Lubin’s musical take on the apocalypse: Musical Playlist For The Mayan Prophecy

Want to rock out while we’re taken out? Click here for the Doomsday 2012 YouTube Playlist

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